Why I Dream

Dreaming is great; you can do things that you’d never do in real life…of course, if you’re me, those things can become a little strange. Following is a list of reasons for why I bother using my imagination even in sleep.

  1. So I can be as weird as I fucking want to be– no one can stop me from being completely socially unacceptable. I am the queen of the universe. Bow, bitches. Picture this:

You’re walking down the street, looking fine as hell when some asshole with a dick for a brain catcalls you.

“Hey, where you going, sweet cheeks? Come on, gimme a smile!”

You turn around, looking over your shoulder with cool sophistication and flip the bird at the douche. “Back to hell, asshole. Wanna come with?”

Related image
Essentially: I am the queen, bitch

Now, tell me that scenario didn’t fill you with satisfaction. Here’s another one:

You’re in a restaurant, eating dinner with a professional group of people when you accidentally drop a chunk of your steak in your lap. The room freezes. Professional people  gasp at your lapse of etiquette. The world starts to implode, the ground sucks at your feet, trying to drag you underground, away from future etiquette disasters. But then something hot and powerful starts to burn in your chest, giving you the strength to leap away from the ground and onto the table, disregarding the fact that your pervy boss is now taking pictures under your skirt. You crush his hand under your foot with the power of feminism, and start to speak.

“What kind of a world is this, where a simple human error causes the world to erupt in humiliation? I am a person! Stop making me feel embarrassed, you douchebags, and be decent human beings- look away, smile, make a joke about how cutting steak up is hard, and move on with your lives! Fuck you all. Especially you, Robert,” you say, grinding your heel into your boss’s hand a little harder. He whimpers, and you grow into the world-dominating goddess you were meant to be from the beginning.

2. You can use weird-ass insults. I think little kids have had it right all along. Which is worse, calling someone a douchebag, or a poop-faced worm-eater? What even is a douchebag? Douche in French means shower…so is a douchebag a shower head stuffed into a bag? Besides being useless, how is that a bad thing? Now, if you were to accuse me of having shit on my face and eating worms, I would be grossed out AND pissed. So, please don’t do that. Just writing the words makes me want to go take a shower (cue the heartfelt shudder).

3. You can have the ability to write a more accurate dictionary. Seriously. Have you ever looked up a word in the dictionary, and found a convoluted definition which forced you to look up even more words?

Image result for child insults
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Once, I was watching a movie in the fifth grade, and one of the actresses was talking to a queen-figure, thanking her for being so “magnanimous”. As an overly-competitive idiot, I immediately chose that word for whatever project my teacher had assigned. When I looked it up, I became even more confused mostly because I wasn’t used to academic language at that point. According to my really fucking old dictionary that my dad bought when he was 12, magnanimous is being “noble and generous in one’s conduct, not petty”. Maybe I was just a dumb kid – okay, I was definitely a dumb kid- but how do you translate that? Couldn’t the dictionary just say “someone generous, an angel come to earth, great dude”. Or, for something simple like “cloud”, the dictionary explains it is “a visible mass of condensed watery vapour, floating in the sky”. If you don’t have a scientific background, can you decode that? You have to know how the water cycle works to fully comprehend the meaning of “condensed watery vapour”. Why not just say “look up. See those white fluffy masses bobbing around in the sky? Those are fucking clouds. Calm the fuck down.” Maybe minus the epithets, but you get the idea.

4. In my dream, I can become a seriously funny criminal.

Image result for cartoon evil genius
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Example number 1: to hide my involvement in some random murder, I use a skateboard to get away. Why, you ask? Because then there would only be one bloody footprint every couple meters to show me getting away. The police would be looking for a one-legged murderer with serious jumping skills.

Example number 2: call myself “the pun-maker”. I wear suspenders, and go into the victim’s elevator with them. I press the floor below theirs, and before getting out, I tell them that on the next floor, I will kill them. Then I run up the stairs and wait…the door opens, the dude screams. I don’t move. They’re frozen, unable to run because I’m literally right in front of them. They moan, “the suspense is killing me!”. They die of fright. I grin, leave, the police comes, watches video surveillance. They see a killer in suspenders suspend the moment of death, murdering her victim through the use of suspense. The pun-maker strikes again. Mwahahahaha.

5. Dreams are a perfect opportunity to be a sass monster. We’ve all had moments where we wanted to just cut into someone, but because of morals, or the situation, we couldn’t. Well, in dreams, you can go back and just fucking lay out the burns.

Here’s a personal example: I was chatting with a friend on the train when a thirty-something year old businessman came to sit with us. He immediately started flirting with my friend, but she was uncomfortable with the attention, so I stole it from her by flirting with the man myself. We didn’t even exchange names, we just let go as many dirty jokes and innuendos as we could. It was a lot of fun actually, one of the best conversations I’ve ever had, largely because he didn’t try to make a move on me or touch me in any way; he just wanted to have some fun, and so did I. But then I took off my glasses to clean them, and he said, “wow, you look a lot better without your glasses”. A thousand and one comebacks came to mind, including several dirty plays on “comeback”, but in the interest of not completely humiliating my friend, I shut up, and started to tone down the conversation. Now, in my dreams though…oooooooh the naughty, naughty things I say to that man.

Option 1:

“You look a lot better without your glasses.”

“Yeah? You look a lot better when I’m not wearing them too.”

Option 2:

“You look a lot better without your glasses.”

“Really? Is gazing into my eyes going to make you cum?”

“Yeah, baby.”

“Well that makes one of us.”

Option 3:

“You look a lot better without your glasses.”

“Maybe, but they magnify your dick so I can actually see it.”

Image result for cartoon kid detective with magnifying glass
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Okay, maybe I’m a little too salty about that one ounce of rudeness, but what can I say? I was born with hypernatremia, and the condition has altered my brain irreparably.

Um….you may need a medical dictionary to get that joke…is it obvious that I’m studying for exams right now?

At any rate, exams are coming up in a couple weeks, and I’m so stressed, even toilet humour is starting to sound appealing right now, and I haven’t laughed at shit jokes since I was 6!

Because my sense of humour is steadily degrading under the pressure of exams, I’m sorry to tell you that I will not be posting anything until April 27th. Trust me, it’s more for your benefit than mine. You do not want to see my grammar when I’m sleep-deprived. Semi colons become commas, periods become ellipses, sentence fragments become monosyllabic babbling.

So, what do you dream about?

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